


A Tale of the Electric Eel

by sglottalk



Category: Naruto, Vorkosigan Saga - Lois McMaster Bujold
Genre: Crack, Crack Crossover, Gen, Humor, Just Add Ninjas, Superheroes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-11
Updated: 2016-05-11
Packaged: 2018-06-07 18:38:41
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,458
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6819571
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sglottalk/pseuds/sglottalk
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The Electric Eel, a superhero of Vorbarr Sultana, must deal with a most unusual threat...</p><p>CONTENT WARNING: bizarre silliness</p>
            </blockquote>





	A Tale of the Electric Eel

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [Pictures at an exhibition 2 -Hassadar Museum of the Resistance](https://archiveofourown.org/works/6426370) by [ms_cataclysm](https://archiveofourown.org/users/ms_cataclysm/pseuds/ms_cataclysm). 
  * In response to a prompt by [avanti_90](https://archiveofourown.org/users/avanti_90/pseuds/avanti_90) in the [Bujold_Ficathon_2013](https://archiveofourown.org/collections/Bujold_Ficathon_2013) collection. 



> **Prompt:**  
>  As he recovers from his so-called paralysis, Kou discovers that the nerve disruptor attack has mysteriously left him with the power to manipulate electric currents. Soon he is living a double life: as the crippled secretary to the Lord Regent, and Vorbarr Sultana's shining superhero, the Electric Eel.

He was the Electric Eel, Vorbarr Sultana's mysterious superhero. His double life was a gritty, hard-boiled, dark life. He defended the helpless and shook down the most terrible criminals.

Well, not tonight. Tonight he was looking for a prankster. A terrible prankster.

Nobody, not even his wife, not even the Lord Regent knew his true identity. Okay, Simon Illyan did because he knew _all_ the true identities, but that does not count.

Arrrgh. No, Simon Illyan did _not_ know all the true identities. If Simon did, then the Electric Eel could simply ask him about this terrible prankster. That would be more convenient than prowling the streets of Vorbarr Sultana at night, looking for clues, even if it meant going to ImpMil to talk to Simon in his hospital bed. Infinitely more convenient.

***

_Two weeks earlier_

The Regent, Lord Vorkosigan, and his secretary, Clement Koudelka, first saw it from the groundcar.

Someone had spray-painted Vorhartung Castle so it looked like the painted face of a Cetagandan ghem captain.

Even though Vorhartung Castle was highly visible, _not a single person had witnessed it_. All of the vid cameras which monitored Vorhartung Castle 26.7/7 simultaneously malfunctioned at the time of the prank, and ImpSec had not even noticed that the cameras had stopped working. Even the guards who were stationed at Vorhartung Castle had failed to notice that anyone was spray-painting it until the deed was done and the perpetrators were gone.

Nobody except ImpSec was allowed into Vorhartung Castle, lest there be some sinister plot behind this incident.

Simon Illyan had a heart attack and went to the hospital, so Lucas Haroche became the temporary head of ImpSec.

***

_One week later ~~(that is, one week after Vorhartung Castle is spray-painted, and one week before the opening scene for readers who can't read the fic writer's mind)~~_

A troop of naked, blond young women with whiskers, who nonetheless had swirls of mist strategically concealing their most private parts, were found dancing on top of ImpSec headquarters. Nobody in ImpSec had any idea how they got there. Stunners had no effect on them. Nor did nerve disrupters. Plasma fire caused them to go 'poof' and disappear.

It was very embarrassing that the majority of ImpSec officers who looked up got instant nosebleeds.

Lucas Haroche had a heart attack and went to the hospital, so Guy Allegre became the temporary head of ImpSec.

**

_One week later ( ~~that is, a continuation of the opening scene~~ ) ( ~~readers really should learn telepathy so the fic writer won't have to keep making these notes~~ )_

The second prank had happened exactly a week after the first prank, so it stood to reason that the prankster would carry out another prank now. ImpSec was useless at finding them, so it was up to Clement Koudelka, who led a double life as the shining superhero known as the 'Electric Eel', to track down the terrible prankster.

As he had recovered from his so-called paralysis, Kou discovers that the nerve disruptor attack has mysteriously left him with the power to manipulate electric currents. Naturally, this meant that he had to become a vigilante and fight crime.

Right now, he was sending subtle pulses of electricity throughout the city. Maybe he could find what even ImpSec could not find.

He felt that something was wrong. There were electric forces in Vorbarr Sultana which should never be in Vorbarr Sultana. He tracked down this strange electricity.

There was a large concentration of this electricity around the Imperial Residence.

Screw this superhero nonsense. He had to move his ass and warn the Lord Regent and ImpSec immediately.

***

The Imperial Residence was evacuated. Emperor Gregor, strangely, did not have any residence other than _the_ Imperial Residence, so he was whisked away with his personal guards to Voraronberg District. Even during Barrayar's bloodiest civil wars, and the height of the Cetagandan occupation, nothing interesting ever, ever happened in Voraronberg District. Everyone else just moved into Vorkosigan House.

As ImpSec inspected the Imperial Residence, they kept on farting. Or so they thought. In fact, the residence had been filled with hidden booby traps which, when triggered, would release a fart-like smell, as well as make a sound which sounded exactly like someone breaking wind.

When Guy Allegre realized that anyone who could plant so many fart bombs in the Imperial Residence could also flood it with lethal gas, he had a heart attack and went to ImpMil, so Byerly Vorrutyer had to take over ImpSec. Which made no sense, since he was just a little kid during the early regency. Clearly, the writer of this fic can't keep canon timelines straight.

( ~~ _Actually, I hella can keep timelines straight, I examined certain sections of The Vor Game with a fine-tooth comb to put together a plausible timetable for the Hegen Hub brouhaha, I even put together an hour-by-hour breakdown of the Battle of Vervain..._~~ )

( _*someone gags the fic writer*_ )

***

Okay, it was up to the Electric Eel to take down the menace of the terrible prankster once and for all.

Now that he knew what the terrible prankster's strange energy felt like, he was able to fine-tune his detection of those specific electric currents.

Eventually, he found the source of this strange energy. It led him to a ramen shop next to the Cetagandan embassy.

A blond ghem officer walked out of the ramen shop. The Electric Eel knew as soon as he saw him that he had found his man.

It was time for the showdown.

The Electric Eel zapped the ghem officer, but the ghem officer managed to duck out of the way.

"You'll regret picking a fight with me!" he yelled. "Multiple Shadow Clone Technique!"

Suddenly, copies of the ghem officer appeared all around him.

"Rasengan!" they all called out.

Suddenly, the Electric Eel found a bunch of blue balls of energy coming at him.

Well, he simply reversed the flow of those blue balls of energy, which caused them to all shoot straight up in the air, creating arcs which lit up half of Vorbarr Sultana as they dissipated.

This made all of these copies of the ghem officer mad, so they charged the Electric Eel, who really was Clement Koudelka.

Shit, what could he do against such an army of opponents! He couldn't zap all of them! And without his super power, he was just a disabled soldier/secretary. He did not even have his swordstick with him (going around with a swordstick would make him too easy to identify). He was totally unarmed (okay, he _was_ armed, in fact, both of his arms were still attached to his body, as well as his legs).

Though he was not Vor, he _was_ Barrayaran, so he fought anyway.

And he discovered that just poking all of these 'shadow clones' with his pinky finger was enough to make them go POOF! Apparently, they could not withstand contact with physical objects.

That Kou, of all people, could beat this army with his _pinky fingers_ was beyond sad.

The municipal guards noticed all of the electricity arcing in the air, so they arrived on the scene, and stunned the ghem officer. The real one, not the clones, who, in spite of their vulnerability to pinky fingers, were perfectly immune to stunner and nerve disruptor fire.

***

"Well done!" said Captain Negri, who instead of regular eyes had black hole in his eye sockets (after everyone realized that six year old Byerly Vorrutyer really was not qualified to be the temporary chief of ImpSec, Captain Negri had been resurrected by the Edo Tensei: Impure World technique to fill the position. As soon as Simon Illyan was ready for duty again, the technique would be cancelled and Captain Negri would go back to being dead. Fortunately, undead people were immune to heart attacks). "You caught the dreadful prankster who terrorized Vorbarr Sultana."

"Ummm, can you tell me a little more about him?" Kou asked.

"Of course," Negri responded. "He is ghem Captain Uzumaki Naruto. We first became aware of him as a collector of Vor militaria. He also has extensive training as a ninja. On Eta Ceta, he performed one prank too many on Emperor Fletchir Giaja, so he was sent here on a mission to annoy the Lord Regent to death - or make him laugh to death, we are still figuring out the details. Barrayar is in debt to you. Would you like a medal?"

"No thanks," said Kou. "It would mess up my cover identity. Protecting Vorbarr Sultana is reward enough for the Electric Eel."

***

Miraculously, life went back to normal. Which meant that the Electric Eel continued to patrol the mean streets of Vorbarr Sultana, protecting the innocent and defeating dastardly villains or whatever...

**Author's Note:**

> Yes, thank you for finally taking off that gag!
> 
> After writing ["Sealed Heart"](http://archiveofourown.org/works/6811654), I decided I wanted another day off from writing [_Gregor's Game_](http://archiveofourown.org/works/6344524/chapters/14535895), so I wrote this crack crossover.
> 
> If anyone is wondering what this fic has to do with "Pictures from an exhibition 2" - it was just a throwaway line about 'ghem Captain Naruto' which made me think about the possibility of a Vorkosigan Saga / Naruto crack crossover.


End file.
